The World Hates You and other Lies

Fluffy McButtershorts, your favorite sock puppet candidate, is back! This time he's here to reveal unpleasant untruths. Since it's a double negative, it's just like pleasant truths, but made of lie! The great part about it is that it requires fewer fact checkers and creates more outrage. Everyone needs a healthy dose of outrage in their daily politiquack, which is why good ol' Fluffy will include it as an optional topping on your Daily Scoop©®™ of a delicious frozen treat.

Did you know that the world hates America? Can you believe it? They don't like us being the freedom loving, phone call listening, enhanced interrogating patriots that fight for their right to admit how great we are. What's worse, they feel even worse about us than they did a decade ago. Only they don't because they really like us more but that's an inconvenient fact that won't get Fluffy elected so we'll pretend you didn't read that.

Instead, let's focus on the untruth that they hate us more now than ever and remember that, even those barbaric for'ners who live somewhere really far away could benefit from a healthy dose of a Daily Scoop©®™. Heck, for some of them we could even dig it up from the frozen wastelands of some place called 'Siberia' and drop it on their heads to help them cool off. That's the way Fluffy would stop them from getting all expansionistic. None of this tired old talky jib jab mouth flapping. There's not enough bombing in that! The DailyScooperator just digs up a mound of frozen tundra and plops it down and gloosh! Problem solved.

Vote for Fluffy McButtershorts, the sock puppet with all the wrong answers, and the world can again start hating us for good reasons instead of kind of liking us for mediocre ones.

Platforms are Forever

Not platform shoes, you nitwit! Campaign platforms! Fluffy McButtershorts resents the implication that he must be paired with footwear just because he's a sock. Perhaps Fluffy's running mate would be a nice handbag or a fashionable vest. You never know!

In any case, Fluffy won't let a little thing like "reality" get in the way of all the important stuff like "campaign promises!" Even if they tell good ol' Fluffy that the Daily Scoop©®™ isn't economically feasible, he won't back down! Even if 80% of the majority of the plurality of Americans polled oppose delicious, frozen treats, he'll stand by his word!

That's just the kind of "I know I was right so there" attitude you can expect from a sock puppet like Fluffy McButtershorts.

Vote for Fluffy!

Scandal!

What's that you say? There's no way such an adorable sock puppet could possibly be elected, let alone a US citizen?

Never fear! Fluffy McButtershorts was made right here in the fine U.S. of A. with a touch of Yankee ingenuity! That has nothing to do with the crummy baseball team, by the way.  Who Fluffy loves to bits if you do. Fluffy's flexible! Literally!

Don't forget to vote, and someday we'll all have our Daily Scoop©®™ of a delicious frozen treat!

Provide for the Common Defense!

Foreign powers got you down? Afraid they might come in a take your stuff?

Never fear! Your ever friendly candidate sock puppet, Fluffy McButtershorts has your back! And your Daily Scoop©®™ of a delicious, frozen treat.

When those pesky foreign armies come to call, we'll just send them packing with their own scoop planted squarely in their faces. The pure shame will end all hostilities as everyone else laughs it up at the classic gag. And you were worried, weren't you.

Vote for Fluffy!

The General Welfare!

People are starving in the streets, you say? They have no bread?

Fluffy McButtershorts, your friendly sock puppet candidate, sheds not a single tear but instead swoops in with their Daily Scoop©®™ of a delicious, frozen treat. Problem solved!

You're welcome.

Taxes Shmaxes!

Taxes too high? Taxes too low? Taxes unfairly skewed toward the rich or the poor or the unethical? Fluffy doesn't care! You couldn't fill a thimble with all your pal Fluffy McButtershorts thinks about taxes.

Fluffy just cares about you! And your Daily Scoop©®™ of a delicious frozen treat!  How's that for agreeable? For all Fluffy cares, you're all right! Just Vote for Fluffy and let the big wig talking head economo-industrio-investo-traderbrokero-autobots deal with the nitty gritty!

Tired of being monitored?

If you're tired of all the NSA PRISM monitoring, Fluffy's the candidate for you! Heck, even if you're just tired of the media coverage of NSA PRISM or the echo blogochamber of responses to the media coverage of it, Fluffy's your sock puppet!

The only thing good ol' Fluffy plans to monitor is your access to your Daily Scoop©®™ of a delicious frozen treat. And that's just to make sure it's still frozen when you get it. After that, friends, it's all up to you!

Vote for Fluffy, and get your Daily Scoop©®™!